Desperate Girl

Hello blog readers.

I'm back to update my dead blog which I abandoned it for about 1 month and a half due to my busyness.

And now that I’m having a semester break, I’m ready to express all my feeling at once in my blog.

Yeah, everything I said.

1. Let’s talk about the course I’m taking.

Busy with?

Busy with my course I’m taking, Architecture course.
And it was just a foundation year but with full of challenging assignments that I overcome with.

Well, I seriously don’t know where or how should I start it.

After recalling every moments I had when I first step in my very first day of my college life,

I still don’t know whether if I regret it or not.

At first when I was still in high school preparing for my SPM examination, I now regret that I once said “I hope time pass fast, hoping to end my high school and enjoy my college life. I can’t wait for my college life!”

I remembered that I always repeating the same things all over again and now what? Want to turn back times?
That’s impossible.

Yeah, sometime I feel fun when I was doing my projects because there are some parts I like to do or based on my talent.

Sometime I also stress with my projects because it was real challenging.

I had put so much effort in order to complete my project nicely.

Sometime I’ve no idea and that really scared me.

The worst thing is that when you show your ideas to your lecturer and he or she will just keep rejecting your ideas until you really can’t think of one.

Let me share my project which my lecturer really likes it.

When I knew one of the lecturers likes it, I’m happy and it is worth it if I’m stress and put all my effort.

The first individual project "Archisculpture". My ideas had rejected by my lecturer a lot of times and yeah I was scared until i found one. I create a last minute idea with a can of spray spraying from black to colorful. I was really happy that my lecturer like it and I'm one of the best 8 in my group.

Group work "Installation". My lecturers like it without commenting much. We went to KLCC trip and we transform everything to a labyrinth maze game with KLCC logo of it. Great work !

Individual work project, "Habitat Shelter Design" small model.

Individual work project, "Habitat Shelter Design" actual size model. My concept is a Shell House protecting homeless. Before we present, everyone were asked to place our model in the studio and the lecturers pick the 3 nicest. And I'm one of them, I'm glad.

2. Let’s talk about my friends.

I don’t know if I’m selfish or not.

But I have feeling like you all do; it is really unfair to me.

I don’t know if you have read it or to know that I’m actually mention about you.

But I’m sorry to say that I can’t keep my feeling anymore, I want to express how I feel.

It is really hard for me to keep anymore.

You know what? I have kept my uncomforting feeling for so long and now I will express everything I felt.

First, I wanted to say sorry that I’m a banana girl knows only English and Malay languages.

And yeah I’m also trying to learn mandarin; I really tried my best to.

But why?
When I join you in a group, you all still chatting in mandarin although you all know I don’t know mandarin?

It is like I don’t appear in front of you?
It is really hard to communicate with me?
Am I really your friend?

I never say a word in front of you because I worried you all don't like me  if I keep asking you all to speak English when I’m around.
That’s why I rather keep my mouth silent.

When we are discussing our project in a group, you all discussing in mandarin and at the end I’m the last person to know the outcome of the project.

I did ask you all to speak in English but you all said, "It is hard to explain and discuss it in English. We will tell you everything later.”

It is really unfair to me. I want to share my ideas with you all too, can’t I?

I just don’t want to be a dumb knowing nothing and just follow what you all decided. It is unfair to me.

I always blame myself, always.
I really try my very best to learn mandarin for so long but I hardly catch up due to my hearing problem.

I just could blame myself.

Sometime I feel that you will only find me you need me?

Making use of me? I really hope if I’m wrong.

It is not that I want to think it negatively but I can feel they way you treat me.

I have feeling like you just like a human, I need a true friend.

That is enough for me…

I think I can’t continue anymore.

Off to bed, night!

Don’t forget to smile because your smile can make everyone happy.